Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has declared himself a candidate for the role of manager at the end of the season, it has emerged.
The Russian billionaire has spurned the chance to rehire teeth-gratingly smug Jose Mourinho and Droopy Dog tribute act Avram Grant to get the fucking job done himself.
Club sources say the oligarch threw his warm, puppy-fur-lined ushanka into the ring for the position by typing out a hastily written job application, rising from his desk and striding purposefully out of his office before turning around, going back in, placing the application firmly on the desk and sitting back down.
“My poor Roman is understandably sick and tired of the utter dross that has been polluting the dugout of his beloved club,” said his smoking hot bird. “No longer will he stand for this nonsense. No longer.”
Abramovich has reportedly been compiling a transfer list to present to himself over the summer. Reported to be high on the list of targets are Aston Villa’s Christian Benteke, Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, the older, fatter Ronaldo, alleged KGB hitman Andre Lugovoi and the risen corpse of Lenin.
Meanwhile, interim boss Rafa Benitez has laughed off reports that he will be sacked at the end of the season.
“Is that some sort of sick joke?” he chortled. “My friend, as soon as I am paid, I will literally sprint to Abramovich’s office with my resignation. This place is fucking mental.”