Today’s RoundUp is brought to you by England. “England: Lowering Expectations since 1996”. Also brought to you by rushing it because I was in the pub and I just saw that Breaking Bad episode when everyone got poisoned with tequila

“Yes! I get to play in front of Aaron Ramsey!”

1. Arsenal: “Ok, you can take us seriously now. Ok, NOW. Who’s Andrei Arshavin?”

Sometimes, the Drop Zone feels that Arsene Wenger is a little lucky to still be in a job. If anyone can remember when the Studious One still made prudent, world-class signings, they will also remember the names of Patrick Vieira, Emmanuel Petit, Dennis Bergkamp, Robert Pires, Nelson Vivas and Nicolas Anelka. Then came Igor Stepanov, Andrei Arshavin, Gervinho and being content with fourth place and Arsenal fans suddently had to start convincing themselves that a manager who won the double in 1996 and went through an undefeated season in 2004 had in no way lost his touch.

Well good news, Gooners. Tonight your club is on the verge of signing Gonzalo Higuain who has scored 107 goals in 187 games for Real Madrid, a record which is not to be sniffed at. It is, quite frankly, the sort of signing they would have made back when they were a team to be feared and as such, Moyes and Mourinho better watch out. On the other hand, 14th fiddle Barca midfielder Cesc Fabregas knows what it’s like to be a massively obese fish in a shallow, muddy pool and Arsene Wenger had better start shipping out his Ramseys and herding in his Wilsheres if he wants to give Higuain any kind of service and have a nosey at the title.

2. Lionel Messi is in court along with his father to contest charges that he cheated the Spanish tax authorities out of £3.4m.

3. Spain beat Tahiti 10-0 which is just as well, because 11 would have been just harsh, and 4-0 would have been a shocking effort.

and finally…

An understandably exasperated Newcastle PR flunkie has insisted that the renaming of “Shearer’s” bar at St James’s Park has nothing, nothing at all to do with the fact that the Ross Kemp lookalike savagely berated his beloved club over Kinneargate.

“What are the players to think when Joe Kinnear can’t even get their names right,” he why-ayed. “It’s all a PR disaster. Mike Ashley just keeps on making too many decisions which alienate the Newcastle fans. They deserve better, much better,” he said, without a trace of irony.

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