That’s quite enough of that, thank you

The National Hockey League is giving serious thought to banning celebrations of any kind after players score.

The move comes after the League has been clamping down on players showing any elements of character or individuality. In a recent proclamation, Gary Bettman declared that players would no longer be allowed to tuck their shirts into their jerseys.

From October 1st, players will be penalised if, upon scoring, they are seen to do anything other than nod sagely at their teammates before removing their gloves and offering a polite yet firm handshake.

Brendan Shanahan, from the NHL’s Department of Player Safety, said the move was intended to protect players from their own excessive levels of boundless enthusiasm.

“I’m Brendan Shanahan of the Department of Player Safety,” he honked, quite unnecessarily. “The League is committed to preserving the safety of players, as you have seen from our recent banning of removing their helmets before they attempt punch each other really hard in the head and face area.

“Excessive celebration and displays of character are reaching intolerable levels,” he added, checking his worn copy of George Orwell’s 1984 for more helpful tips on spirit-crushing. “We feel this is needed to turn the NHL into the perfect combination of beige and vanilla. Featuring epic levels of violence.”

Capitals fan Burt Hayes said, “It’s good move. My ten-year-old son was sick of seeing his hero light up this arena with such electrifying athletic charisma.

“Peronally I’m super-excited to see the players turned into some kind of gormless millionaire zombie-horde. We pay too much for this shit anyway.”