“No I would not like a bloody umbrella!”

Hey! You! What’s that sound? It could be the deafening cacophony of 60,000 counts of squeaky bumtime, if England aren’t careful this evening. All it could take is loyalty-merchant Robert Lewandowski to fire home an early goal for Poland and image of Steve McLaren silently whimpering under an umbrella will be elbowing its way into the collective minds of all in attendance of tonights match.

But hey, let’s not panic yet. England are undefeated in Group H and haven’t lost a qualifier when the group is still live since 2005, that glorious year when George W. Bush started his second term as President! Ah, good times! Also, with the exception of Lewandowski and partner in Dortmund crime and consonant pervert Jakub Blaszcykowski, Poland have been pretty awful, scoring only 18 times in this campaign. Which actually sounds quite impressive until you consider that 10 of them were scored against San Marino.

It’s all rather exciting when you think that this has the potential to be one of the most important England games for a good old while, added to the fact that 20,000 Adrian Chiles employees will be adding to the racuous Wembley atmosphere which is normally about as intense as sitting through an omnibus edition of Eggheads.

The good news for England is that Andros Townsend, who produced arguably the most electrifying international debut since Alan Hudson (yeah, football nerds) starts, after fears of unspecified-knack proved unfounded. And Danny Welbeck is starting on the left wing. Er, OK, Roy Hodgson blatantly knows what he’s doing.

“This is England,” crows Clive Tyledsley. “This is for the right to play in Brazil in 2014”. Cheers Clive. Here we go!