‘Clean for the Queen’ is a campaign to tidy up our shit-tip of a nation, a nation which is apparently now little more than a mess of rat’s blood and lies. You see, the Madj has her 90th birthday coming up in June. The real one. And this place is a pigsty, quite frankly, according to the people who just love cutting funds to public services like, erm, weekly bin collections.

Every element of the campaign orchestrated by Keep Britain Tidy and epic toff rag Country Life – a magazine that last year ran an article entitled ’39 Steps To Becoming A Modern Lady’ which include excelling at “making love, lasagnas and long gin and tonics” – is peak Tory.

Every shot, every slogan, every giggling, moronic lackey is a gormless mess. On the website it says: “Please register your interest here and we will help you to Clean for The Queen”. It sounds rather like we’re all going to be led firmly by the arm, sobbing, to Her Majesty’s privy armed with some Waitrose bog roll and a deep sense of foreboding.

Look at these pictures of prominent Tories. LOOK AT THEM. Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and the white-hot star power of environment minister Rory Stewart, grinning with various levels of inanity in front of a poster with that font from Keep Calm and Carry On. Tories smiling for anything look either like bullies or bullying victims, but this one really takes the proverbial Walker’s Shortbread.

Everything about it is ridiculous. For some reason they appear to have done the photoshoot in the poshest drawing room they can find. These guys couldn’t even be arsed to ACTUALLY GO OUTSIDE AND BE PICTURED DOING THE THING. Someone has even taken some masking tape and very, very carefully wrapped it up in a nice, easy size for Gove to grasp.

The slogans they’ve used- “Vacuum your villages! Spruce up your cities!” would probably be considered twee by the writers of Keeping Up Appearances. Gove looks absolutely delighted to be returning to the warm, cozy confines of being hated and ridiculed. Unsurprisingly he looks like he’s never held a litter-picker in his life (I have – man of the people, me – and let me tell you he is going to find himself with a terribly sore wrist with technique like that).

Johnson’s is just as appalling. He looks positively threatening and at Eton, would quite clearly have been joyfully stuffing that masking tape into the mouth of a smaller boy who had just transferred from St Paul’s school chanting “OIK! OIK! OIK!”


“Where does this go?”


Armando Ianucci should sue. It all comes straight out of the Thick Of It. Clean Up For The Queen is up there with the anti-benefit-fraud squad the ‘Sponge Avengers’, and the average citizens looking out for their fellow man aka ‘Quiet Bat People’. No-one, by the way, could do with a Malcolm Tucker-style psychological maiming like these three. In fact, these guys should really get Tucker’s carrot and stick  approach; that being to ‘take a carrot, shove it up the arse, followed by a stick, followed by a bigger, rougher carrot’. Honestly, it’s the only way they’ll learn.

So that’s it. Don your hi-vis, get on your hands and knees and swab the decks. The Queen’s coming. Not to the bit you’re cleaning, she wouldn’t be seen dead in Nuneaton. Just get on with it, pleb.